In a Land Not Too Far Away. . . Chiou

5:17 AM

I barely got any sleep last night. Samantha woke me up by blowing her hot and abhorrent breath on me. You can try to ignore her but then she’ll just start licking your cheek. I disagree strongly with this method.

I tried convincing her it’s actually time to sleep since it’s still dark outside but she just responded by turning on all my lights. “Day! Day! Day,” she would shout without any pause in the near future.

Thankfully, I usually plan for these kinds of situations and is why I installed exercise equipment in their playroom. If they won’t let me have peace and quiet then I might as well get in shape while being held hostage. Fortunately, I don’t have to deal with more than one child this early in the morning.

5:53 AM

Never mind.

Thirty minutes of screaming will quickly change anyone’s mind.

I was able to settle her down and get her to play with her dolls while I got to use the elliptical for a lengthy amount of time, though. I was able to exert the energy to bounce up and down for a couple of miles, but I did it in total silence — without any music or television playing — like a supervillain with a vendetta.

6:14 AM

Before I could hit the 7 mile mark, I hear the sound of laughter.

Fuck.

Slowing down, I get myself pumped for the energy required to wrangle everyone up for breakfast. I can see them from down the hallway. Dancing. Jumping. Screaming. Where do they get this energy? Can I borrow it?

“Mommy!” they shout as I walk down the lengthy alley separating their rooms.

“Good morning, loves! Is everyone excited for the science fair,” I lightly question.

Christine mumbles yes between bouts of giggles. Maggie doesn’t even acknowledge me but I think it’s cause she’s thirteen. I was terrible at her age and I apologize to my parents every night. Samantha hollers yes but she doesn’t even go to school so I think she’s just happy to be part of the conversation.

“Perfect! Well, let’s get you all filled up with delicious food. What does everyone want,” I ask but know damn well they’re going to say french toast.

“Pancakes!”

I was close.

Trying to focus on the pancakes, I can’t help but feel I am missing out on something.

SPENCER!

Why does this boy never wake up on time? I contemplate getting him but realize it wouldn’t be fair to the other kids if I spend the next ten minutes trying to wake up their brother.

The intoxicating smell of breakfast always gets me thinking back to my childhood and how I’d always chant what I wanted for breakfast. A mongolian sunrise or, as the whites say, seven boiled eggs.

As I finish the last pancake for the girls, I prep myself for the dark energy Spencer sometimes leaks while waking up. All those Yu-Gi-Oh cards are starting to mess with his imagination. There’s no such thing as a billionaire who plays fairly.

Carrying a pot and metal spoon, I open his door ready to energize him but my eyes are only assaulted.

He’s cuddling his kawaii body pillow. Naked. Like, some kind of weeb.

With the might of Odin during his war against the Frost Giants, I slap the cookware together, “Wake up, Spencer!”

Mistake.

He’s pissed and crying. This is the exact opposite reaction I wanted. All I can hear is his wails, which I thought he grew out of. Obviously not.

I tell him I made delicious pancakes with his favorite sides. Turkish delights.

He immediately gets up, hops out of bed, throws on some underwear and pants, and skips downstairs.

I sometimes wonder if he’s mine but I have the scars to, unfortunately, prove it.

7:04 AM

Finally, I can eat in silence. I may still have Samantha for the rest of the day but, thankfully, all of the other kids are on their way to school. I should probably get started on my work.

7:45 AM

I fell asleep. I couldn’t even control it. My eyes just shut off as soon as I was alone.

Now, I need to get caught up with everything I have to do for the day. Working from home may seem like a great idea but it’s actually much harder to stay focused and accomplish everything people are asking of me. Thankfully, Samantha is still groggy and just wants to nap for now. I hope she stays this way for a couple of hours.

10:49 AM

Sometimes I’m really happy I saved my money to buy something nice for myself but I gotta remember I have children. I wish I reminded myself of this before I bought an intricate jade ball adorned with a variety of different designs. Putting it in the common room was just my way of showing it off. No wonder pride is a sin.

It was the last thing I wanted to hear but I could do nothing to stop it. The sound of something shattering and proceeding to splinter into various sizes echoes through my ear canal and devastating my mushy brain. The holler of my daughter going “it’s okay! It’s okay!” did nothing to steep this dread.

It’s never okay.

Walking through the hallway, staring at all the photos and remembering how much fun we have as a family did nothing to stifle my sadness and anger as I stared at the ground where my jade sphere is shattered. Zoning out while looking at the ground, I sigh and get ready to pick the pieces up but Samantha immediately starts crying.

She’s apologizing. She’s losing it. She’s even doing the dry heaving thing kids do while continuing to try to sputter something out.

She’s talking about some large spider she was trying to kill but accidentally swatted the relic with the Tinky Winky doll she was currently clutching. I knew I hated the Teletubbies for a reason; fucking agents of chaos.

Nonetheless, I calmed Samantha down, so I was able to clean up and go back to work. Picking her up, taking her to the couch and clutching her tightly as she slowly stops her wailing is what is asked of me at this moment.

“It’s okay, baby,” I tell her and wipe her tears away. “Accidents happen but it’s important our safety is first. Did you get hurt?”

“No,” she quietly mutters.

“And that’s good! Now, let’s settle down and see what the magic box has in store for us.”

I mean, it went something like that. I kind of blacked-out from rage.

12:12 PM

Food used to matter to me. Finding new restaurants and hidden places to eat at was something I loved to do. The fresh taste of a lobster in my mashed potatoes or the intoxicating aroma of white truffles being sliced onto a bowl of risotto is what gave me life.

Now, I’m stuck with rice and hot dogs almost every day.

How does Joey Chestnut do this?

12:22 PM

Once again, I’m haunted by the aggressive defiance Samantha shares while being hungry. She won’t stop crying out and stamping around for her favorite meal.

Fortunately, making rice and hot dogs is easy since it’s two ingredients and can be made in less than ten minutes.

I’m not about to waste my good rice on the same little girl who calls the earthworms she devours from the ground “steak”.

12:45 PM

Getting ready to pick up the kids, I silently persuade Samantha to get into the car and to leave the neighborhood cat alone.

I never liked the cat. It’s always rubbing up on me and sinking it’s aroma into my skin; calling more cats to my location.

Disgusting.

After calling out to Samantha for a solid five minutes, we get going and are on the road. Driving for fifteen minutes we finally get to Christine’s school and she’s already standing outside waiting for me. As I get closer, I see a smile spread across her face and it makes me grin, too.

“Mommyyyyyyyy!” is the only thing I hear as I get closer and the windows aren’t even open.

I love her but she needs to stop running at the car as if it was a part of me. Her hugging the bumper is embarrassing and dangerous.

I don’t even need to ask her how her day was. She is immediately telling all of us what happened and how much fun it was. It mainly involved her jumping around the playground and “mastering the Red Rover” so nothing quite spectacular.

“Yay! That sounds like a really fun day, Christine,” I excitedly tell her as I drive to Maggie’s school across town. I don’t know what’s so great about this place, it’s just some random private school. I think she wants to just stay with her friends but still. This can be ridiculous sometimes especially when there is traffic and I’m a couple of minutes late. She thinks I’m going to “abandon her” like the dog.

We didn’t. We shot it.

1:22 PM

“Look who it is!” I shout to the kids.

“It’s Maggagie!” hollers all the kids.

Maggie was just as excited to see us as we did with her. She immediately started talking about her day and got all the kids engaged since it sounded like a foreign world she was describing.

“First off, we dissected a baby pig and learned about all of its anatomy,” shouted Maggie.

“EWWWWW,” the kids yelled back.

“Then we did this crazy gladiator game during bodybuilding.” “What happens next?!” “Do you wear armor and stab each other?”

“No! We just wack each other with large poles.”

“I can’t wait until I’m old enough for this.” “Mommy! When do we get to start doing this?” “Mommy!” “Mooooooom” “Will we have to dissect a pig because I don’t know if I like that.” “Mom, can I go with Maggie next time she’s at class?” “MOOOOOOOOOOM?!”

These questions would have been fine but they started jumping around and grabbing everything near them, which happened to be me driving.

I quietly tell them to calm down because it’s not safe for them to constantly pull me around. It didn’t work.

Christine is still pulling my shirt and asking questions about dissection, and Samantha’s inability to focus on one phrase is currently regurgitating noises a dog would run from. I slowly start to move past the stop sign but notice, in the corner of my eye, a vehicle not slowing down. Whatever, they’re going to stop. It’s the law.

As I start to push the pedal down and move forward, the driver proceeds to ram past anything in his way as they ignore the sign. A second before the collision, I stomp on my brakes. I could feel the breeze despite being in a car multiple feet away and with the windows up.

Sitting there for a couple of seconds, I visibly start to vibrate from the excess adrenaline rushing through my system. We were almost hit and would have died.

I can’t move. I try to press on the gas pedal but am met with resistance.

“Mommy? What’s wrong,” asks Christine.

“Yeah, why are we stopped in the middle of the road,” questions Maggie.

I can’t even speak up because I’m in such a bad state of shock, but I manage to mutter “nothing” and start the drive home again.

1:50 PM

“WE’RE HOME!!!” is all I hear for three whole minutes as I maneuver through the windy suburban lanes surrounding our neighborhood.

I’m still in shock of what would have happened if I hadn’t listened to my instinct sooner. We would have been plowed down by some asshole Fiat driver. Who even needs one that size?! It was like a truck but with a sleeker aesthetic.

“Okay, we’re home,” is all I say as I turn off the car and bring the kids inside.

Walking to the door and unlocking the house felt unbearably long but I couldn’t stop thinking about how we almost all died.

All the kids rush inside and throw their backpacks to the ground. Walking around as if the ground was layered with landmines is always a fun way to enter the home. Nothing sobers you up as much as three children being the embodiments of chaos, joy and lethargy.

I just hope Spencer is more in tune with how I’m feeling and doesn’t fan their flame for playing.

2:14 PM

The chime going off throughout the house notifies me someone just walked through the front door.

The jubilant hollers and whoops coming from my children helps me immediately identify who just walked through the door.

Spencer jumps around them all like a dog seeing their owner for the first time after they just finished their military duty.

He hugs all the girls and gently places his backpack by the rest.

Sitting on the couch I leave my arm out for Spencer to do his thing and as he walks by he kisses my fist.

A fist bump would have made sense.

“I need your help with some homework, by the way,” Spencer calmly spoke.

“What is it for” is what I want to say but the girls quickly deter the conversation to their needs.

“No! I need mommy to help me with my ninjitsu or else I won’t ever become a professional,” bawls Christine.

“Too bad! I need mom to help me with my underwater basket weaving and it’s due tomorrow,” calls out Maggie.

“Mine is due tomorrow too! You can’t take her from me,” screams Christine.

“Too bad! I need her,” shouts Spencer as he proceeds to flick all the kids on the forehead.

With the speed of a hive mind, all I hear is “MOOOOOOOOOM!”

Why do they always need to call me to settle their disputes? I feel like the UN; always contacted but never listened.

“Listen, all of you,” I sternly acknowledged. “I can help all of you tonight, let’s just prioritize what we need to do first. I’m going to start with Spencer since his is usually a little harder to finish”

The logic makes sense but the kids don’t seem to care; kind of like how the United States still won’t release the nomadic Mexican children still in cages.

“Girls, I know you need help but you can start on other assignments while you wait.”

They nodded their heads in agreement but I don’t know if I can believe them. We’ll see what happens.

2:50 PM

Sitting at the dining table with noises coming from all directions does nothing but make me feel worse. I love these kids but I am starting to wonder if I am truly a good mother. I mean, we almost got into a deadly car accident and they never listen to me.

Am I just some lady they look to for transportation? I would say food but they eat anything they can get their hands on. Chips. Jalapenos. Grilled worms.

What would have happened if I hadn’t turned around to scold the kids? Would we have totally avoided the problem I was in? Would we have been home and singing folk tunes?

I don’t know.

3:03 PM

Let’s try to put something on. Maybe I can watch something while they all work.

Nope. They all saw me head for the TV and swarmed the area like a pack of lionesses seeing baby zebra after a long day of fasting.

I try to finish “The Crown” but they won’t stop asking questions and showing me their homework.

I’m glad they are finishing their homework but I would like to watch my show.

3:35 PM

I caved. I put something on for them. Something called “Impractical Jokers”. Seems easy to watch.

5:06 PM

I haven’t moved but I have no clue what’s playing. I just stare at the wall, thinking about today and what to make for dinner.

It shouldn’t be a surprise what each of the kids want, though. Foie gras with Bermudan caviar. It’s not what they are getting but they always yell for it when asked.

I know exactly what to make; bok choy with soba noodles.

5:33 PM

“Mommy, where’s food,” questions Christine.

“Yeah! I’m hungry and need sustenance,” shouted Maggie.

“Don’t worry, I’m getting it ready. Just finish your homework or watch TV,” I fervently replied back while I cleaned the bok choy. My reply did nothing to settle their hunger, though.

“What are you making? Can I help? Is this yummy right now? Can I try this before you wash it? I don’t like how green that is. Can we have french fries with truffles? How many eggs can you eat,” was uttered by Christine.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER,” was the only term spoken by the two-year-old.

There was no stop to this consecutive barrage of sounds and I feel a headache coming on because of all of this.

Just focus on cooking is all I can say to myself.

6:00 PM

I’m done. I’m one step closer to being able to sit in peace.

“Come to the table! It’s dinner time!”

They all collectively shout “yaaaaay”!

Hopefully, they enjoy what I cooked because I’m not about to make extra food.

6:13 PM

Why does the exact opposite situation always happen after I ask?

The kids don’t like the taste of bok choy at all and are rounding each other up like a protest rising to inexplicable heights.

What are they going to do? They’re children.

6:20 PM

They’ve become too strong.

They have gathered together as a totalitarian state and placed barriers preventing me from entering their “regions”.

They keep chanting “No Justice, No Peace,” and I can’t help but feel they don’t exactly know what that means.

“You guys. Let’s stop this. Finish your food and I’ll give you all a little ice cream,” is all I say to smoothly reason with them.

“No! Not enough,” is bellowed back in unison.

Weird. How are they doing that?

“What else do you all want?”

“Impractical Jokers!”

Seems reasonable enough.

“Okay! We can watch it when you all finish the food.”

7:30 PM

Cleaning. It’s a grandiose part of my life. I wish I could be the woman in movies but I’m just a measly coder.

I don’t even remember what glass of mead I’m on and I can’t state enough how cool I am to do this.

As I think about this more and feel water well-up in the corner of my eyes, I realize my life is vastly better than the average business owner. Not only do I dedicate a large portion of my life to caring for my children, they also know how to defend themselves in case something drastic happens. I mean, they’re Krav Maga training probably wouldn’t have helped if we were in a car accident but what would?

That’s right! I did my best with the situation I was in.

I caught it as soon as I noticed something and saved us all. I can’t control the recklessness of others but I can react the gentlest way possible. No one else would have done better.

I’m pretty fucking awesome. Now, let’s get another bottle.

8:04 PM

Okay, I think it’s time these hoodlums finish their homework. I mean, I don’t think they’ve stopped watching TV or playing since they got home hours ago.

As I push the off button on the TV, the kids immediately let out a screech. Covering my ears does nothing to block their volume. They just proceed to stand up at once and circle me. Then silence.

Looking at them, I see their eyes are turning a pure and powerful looking yellow. I then feel a sudden pressure being placed on my shoulders. Then they opened their mouths.

“Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry!”

They don’t seem to stop and their appearance just continues to change. They’re getting rounder and turning… white? Their arms are transforming into shapes with no bone structure. Slithering around each other’s arms and becoming one giant circle. Their faces subtly start to distort; one starts to have their skin peel off and show a layer of holes peering into her skull, another has a dark and heavy liquid pouring out of her eyes, and another’s eyes start to split into smaller versions of sight.

“Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry!”

I don’t know who this “Larry” man is and I’m starting to think I should because I don’t think this is just from the mead. Their contortions are sending chills up and down my body. The movements resemble aggressive, muddy water; drastically changing the way they look every time I blink.

“What do you all want?! Just tell me what to do!”

“Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry!”

Think. Think.

How can I get out of this situation? I did turn the TV off before all of this. Should I turn it on?

“It doesn’t hurt to try,” I say to myself as I push the button on the glossy remote.

They instantly stop, had their bodies revert back to normal and cheered like World War II just ended.

No more drinking for the night.

9:12 PM

Silence.

They’re finally calm and most are asleep.

Samantha is on the floor with barbies, furbies and the god of destruction, Magu-Chan.

Christine is sitting at the table with her head and hair covering all of the homework splayed out. I can see a faint bubble forming at the end of her nose.

Maggie is watching her phone and listening to something quite interesting. I keep hearing the Buzzfeed sound going off.

Spencer is somewhere.

Silence.

Just staring at the wall is enough for me to be happy.

I can’t wait until I get to rest my head on the tempurpedic pillow I have. It’s going to be glorious and I’m going to knock out almost immediately

Silence

9:42 PM

Looking around the room I see everyone is asleep. I guess I should start herding them to their rooms. Spencer is probably already in his room, so I don’t need to worry about him but Maggie, Christine and Samantha are all here with me. Maggie can walk up but she’s going to be grouchy the grouch when I shake her up.

Slapping her face like a seal scratching itself, I see Maggie’s eyes open slowly and with contempt.

“Let’s go to bed,” I quietly speak to her.

She just gets up and walks away. Hopefully for bed.

Next are Christine and Samantha. Thankfully, they are easy since I can carry one and hold the other until they get to bed.

Oh, no.

Christine is refusing. She just keeps groaning and moving around the couch.

“Chrisssstiiiiiiiiiiine,” I softly say. “Let’s go to bed.”

Flopping around like a fish out of water, I see this tactic won’t work.

“Okay. I guess, I’m going to have to turn off all the lights and leave”

Christine gets up quickly and holds my hand.

Perfect.

Time for me to finally sleep for a little bit before I do this all over tomorrow and the day after.

10:00 PM

Staring at myself while I brush my teeth feels like I’m dreaming. I stare in the mirror, think about everything going on in my life and contemplate how I even got here. I used to see my friends every week and gossip about the latest coding news. My husband used to hold me tight while watching serial killer documentaries. I dined at restaurants rated by an infamous tire company.

Now, I’m here. Naked. Alone. Picking confetti out of my hair.

No one talks about these kinds of days.

10:19 PM

The water running over my body feels like a warm massage. It reached every muscle and tendon; satiating the tension. I close my eyes and stand there as the water envelopes my body. I allow my body to loosen up so I enjoy every ounce of liquid gold being wasted on me.

I wish this feeling would never end.

10:23 PM

Drying my hair is always the longest part after a shower. I think I should just chop it off and go full cyberpunk with my look. Might be interesting, might be stereotypical, might be off-putting, who knows until I try.

Pulling up my pajamas, I can’t help but laugh at what I’m wearing; a “Steven Universe” onesie. The kids wanted all of us to match for our sleepover fort party. I got to be the purple gem.

Laying in bed, I started to close my eyes to recharge for my lengthy day tomorrow. Who actually enjoys being awake?

10:46 PM

The soft pitter-patter of feet is the only sound I need to hear to be startled awake. Hoping it’s a mysterious force coming to end my misery, I shoot my body up like a catapult.

It’s Samantha.

Damn it.

“Mommy, I’m scared,” says the little girl rubbing her right eye. “Can I sleep with you?”

Staring at her innocent and cute gaze is all I needed to be reeled back in.

“Of course, sweetie,” I calmly mutter across the room.

Samantha slyly walked to the bed and crawled on top like a mountaineer experiencing Mt. Everest for the first time. She cuddled up next to me and closed her eyes.

10:49 PM

The steps. The steps are back. These are heavier. This is it. This is the one.

“Mommyyyyyy,” Christine bemoaned.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to be alone tonight,” Christine says between huffs.

“It’s okay,” I try to reassure her. “You can sleep with us tonight.”

Unlike her sister, she spried up and jumped into bed with us.

“Thank you, mommy,” she yelled into my ear as she nuzzled my left arm.

“Let’s all try and get some sleep,” I whisper as my eyelids meet one another.

10:52 PM

“Why are you all in the same bed,” is all I hear and it’s coming from my entryway. Looking up I see it’s Maggie.

“The girls got scared. Do you wanna join us?”

After a couple of seconds, Maggie barely mumbles “yes” and jumps under the sheets to my right side.

Getting comfortable, I hear more movement coming toward us. It’s Spencer.

“What are you all doing,” he questions.

“We’re having a cuddle puddle,” all the girls shouted at him.

“Yeah, would you like to join?”

Spencer thinks for three seconds and says, “for a bit.”

As he climbed into the bed, I memorize all of us laying together. This warmth can’t be replicated by any amount of money. Staring at each of their faces I remember when I first had them. I think about what I’d do for them and everything I go out of my way for. I can’t imagine waking up before the sun for some friend I’ve had for ten years yet I’d do it for this two-year-old.I can’t even fathom a universe where I wouldn’t die for these sociopaths.

11:11 PM

I fall asleep.

I fall asleep.